


Hidan's Series of No Good, Very Bad, Super Unfortunate Events

by raorie



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drabble Collection, Drabbles, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Hidan (Naruto) Swears, Hidan is his own warning, I'm Bad At Tagging, Jashinism, Kid Uzumaki Naruto, Kinda, Light Angst, Mostly Crack, Naruto is Just Naruto, Timeline What Timeline, Uzumaki Naruto is a Good Friend, ahah i thought this was a crack fic, aka he laughs at all these mortals suffering, babies are the enemy, but not for long my bad, but there's actually not that much swearing in this, chapter eight makes me sad, hidan is a murderer and it's a bad influence but what did u expect, hidan kidnaps naruto, hidan's mental health, im sorry, jashin watches over, kakashi is here too, like angst but then crack then angst then crack and more crack again, naruto is dumb, no beta we die like men, parental hidan, the chapters get better as they go on and im so proud, this might be going somewhere, what plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28541526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raorie/pseuds/raorie
Summary: The child looks up at him, like a duckling does to their mother (not that he is one. fuck that); silently asking with big, teary eyes, something bright and hopeful. Hidan just knows he’s going to hate it. He can practically see it already, even. A little five (six?) year old boy following a mass murderer, an S-rank missing-nin across the Five Great Shinobi Nations.All because he mistakenly gave him a cup of instant ramen.Could this get any worse?(yes. because now he actually has to take care of the brat.)
Relationships: Hidan & Jashin (Naruto), Hidan & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 29
Kudos: 84





	1. hidan's no good, very bad, super unfortunate day

**Author's Note:**

> a lot of stuff is unclear so this probably isn't following the correct timeline.. hidan is 22, naruto's like six... idk
> 
> also i will be updating this! soon! though i dont have a schedule... sorry for the short chapter, i got excited :p

Look, he’s been running around all day, dodging those leaf nin and sacrificing fools. Yes, he’s an S-ranked missing-nin, but he’s human too, yeah? Albeit immortal, and the small details in tiny print (like the ability to speak after getting his head cut off, which kinda falls under immortality? whatever. like he said, details in tiny print); even he gets tired, aggravated, and pulled around like a puppet hung on strings. Especially today. 

The day starts like this: he wakes up, prays, eats, does casual missing-nin things that involve thievery and homicide, tortures and prolongs the suffering of some villager, sacrifices said villager to Jashin-sama, eats again, takes a piss in some pond (it’s fun to spy around and watch the stupid little brats swim around there after), roam around, break into Konoha for the fun of it, get around unnoticed because he’s just badass like that, still nonetheless hide in some alleyway because regardless he needs nutrition, open his bag only to find dozens of instant ramen, just instant ramen and literally nothing fucking else, how did he manage to steal only instant ramen, INSTANT RAMEN, should have peeled that fucker’s skin off–

“Is this… for me?” 

A brat. 

A good-for-nothing asswipe in an obnoxious orange jumpsuit. 

Somehow, in the midst of burying his head in the bag and spooning out all the items (read: instant ramen) in the stupid thing, he’d managed to hit a kid with it. It being the instant ramens. Because there’s nothing else in the bag. 

And just, just before he’s going to splatter this kid out of pure annoyance from instant ramens, (because Jashin-sama, this little shit looks like he built the kid a fucking zoo, gave each and every animal a party hat and said, “hallelujah!” like he’s some disgusting, middle-aged, average salary, suburban next-door neighbour white man with a fucking family and planning to adopt said brat) there’s a flicker in his head. 

There is an understanding, something unique only to him and his belief. He knows, in the deepest parts of his mind, somehow, with no words or visual evidence, he sees. 

Many people don’t understand. Even so, there is an undeniable connection between Hidan and Jashin-sama. Jashin-sama is his God, his Kami. His saviour and his religion. 

The last thing he wants to do is take care of some gullible, mindless piece of shit. He’d rather cut out his guts and sell his organs than carry around a kid. He’d rather play nice and pretend with that brain dead couple he found in the Land of Tea again. He’d rather let that one girl try to stalk him, instead of watching her sit back and find another target.

But while Hidan’s betrayed countless people, his own village and the villagers around him, never let it be said that he wasn’t loyal. 

(to Jashin-sama, at least.)

So he nods, and lets the brat sit a little closer to him.

It’s pathetic to watch the kid get all hopeful and dreamy after that. Even more so seeing how easy it is for the brat to do whatever he says. It’s clear how everyone in the village despises him, ignores him, and subtly tries to murder him. 

Welp. Time to sneak him out. 

Okay, so apparently it’s harder to get out than it is to go in. That’s fine. He can deal, the problem here is the worm. Not only is the bug (and yes he knows worms aren’t bugs shut the fuck up) an attention whore, but he has to put up with the ugly thing constantly chattering his ear off. To put it simply, a bitch. 

Also, out of all the nasty shits, he managed to get stuck with the worst one. He doesn’t pay much attention to what the villagers are saying about the brat, but he instantly knows something is wrong with the kid. First of all, the bitch eats ramen, only ramen, everyday. Second, he wears an orange jumpsuit. Does he really need to continue? 

Then, a wonderful idea pops into his head, and seriously he should’ve thought of this sooner, should’ve thought of this way before the kid started talking about his life like he gives a shit–

If you don’t already know, he’s gone off and knocked the brat out. Unconscious, he means. (that doesn’t mean he can’t dream.)

Anyway. He’s just about out of the tree-huggers village when he gets seen by some rookie shinobi. Damn, should’ve known not to daydream whilst sneaking out of the village and kidnapping a chibi villager from said village. 

Yeah, so he’s on the run now. Apparently the brat is super important? This makes no sense in his mind because, what? Everyone fucking hates the kid. Which was seriously weird all in itself but not super unusual. Now though, why has he got dozens of shinobi and kunoichi over his ass? Over the kid’s ass? 

It’s too bad he can’t just hand the rat over and be done with his life. Ugh, this is such a dread. So fucking trouble–

“Ah, how troublesome.”


	2. hidan's no good, very bad brat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> naruto. is. a. brat. 
> 
> poor hidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I do have a few ideas for this fic, but I also have school so (～￣▽￣)～

He really doesn’t want to fight someone right now, surprisingly. Honestly, can’t a guy get some rest? Eat something other than ramen? Live a life of immortality freely? Practice Jashinism like any other religious person does with their religion? 

No. Of course not. Because those damn leaf nin will be on your ass. (blegh)

Another part of the story to add to his day. Yay. Hurray. Hallelujah. (blegh)

Where was he? And Jashin-sama, he really needed to stop daydreaming on the job. (the job being sneaking out of villages with a kidnapped orange thing… not that he will be doing this again. please jashin-sama, no.) 

(somewhere in the background he can hear bells chiming, a ringing in his ears that sounds just like a laugh.)

So, his day goes like this: he wakes up, prays, eats, does casual missing-nin things that involve thievery and homicide, tortures and prolongs the suffering of some villager, sacrifices said villager to Jashin-sama, eats again, takes a piss in some pond (it’s fun to spy around and watch the stupid little brats swim around there after), roam around, break into Konoha for the fun of it, get around unnoticed because he’s just badass like that, still nonetheless hide in some alleyway because regardless he still needs nutrition, open his bag only to find dozens of instant ramen, hits a brat with the instant ramen (blegh), gets stuck with the brat (blegh), knocks the brat unconscious (blegh– actually, :D), gets so, so close to getting out of the village unseen, only to be seen by another chibi shinobi (blegh), runs away, with the brat (blegh), hides, with the brat (blegh), gets seen by a pineapple shinobi man (blegh), engages in battle with pineapple shinobi man (blegh), hits pineapple shinobi man with his scythe (:D), moves to run away, gets stopped by some shadow jutsu from pineapple shinobi man (blegh), brat somehow wakes up (blegh), brat confronts pineapple shinobi man (brat is stupid), brat attempts to fight pineapple shinobi man for, “–hitting my friend you stupid pineapple man–” (brat is stupid but at least it works out for him), brat loses and it’s pitiful (not surprising), pineapple shinobi man stops using the shadow jutsu (:D), hidan runs, takes the kid (blegh), takes the kid unconscious (:D), gets out of the village (:D), run like his life depends on it, not that it does, because he’s immortal (heh), runs some more, runs for a really long time, runs even longer, gets tired. 

Does he really need to repeat himself? Even immortal, he’s human. 

So he sits down somewhere, prays, eats, wakes up the brat (blegh), feeds the brat (blegh, but at least its ramen?), brat asks him questions (blegh), Hidan makes up lies, brat asks more questions (blegh shut up), Hidan makes up more lies, blah blah blah. You get it. That’s how the rest of his day goes. (and when the kid sleeps he goes out to sacrifice some poor soul to get his life back on track, but while it’s a great stress reliever, it doesn’t do anything in the long run. Hidan’s starting to think he’s the poor soul after all.)

The next few days… ah fuck. 

He knew the brat would never sit quietly and do whatever Hidan asked him to do. Kids just don’t work that way. They have to be the spawn of some devil and annoy the shit out of you. It’s just like that. The world works in mysterious ways, and like the sun rises each day, brats are hell spawn. 

But still… this is disappointing. Why? Because the brat demands attention. He gets it, really. Kids need attention. Yatta yatta yatta. Blah blah blah. (blegh)

Seriously though. This kid can't not get seen. (read: attention whore.) And Hidan means that literally. In the most realist, most upsetting and distressing way, ever. Everywhere he goes, they have to leave the next day. Everywhere he goes, he has to eat ramen. Everywhere he goes, he has to save some family getting ganged up on. (blegh) Normally he’d be the one torturing people. Ew don’t give him the “kids change you” bullshit. 

On top of that, the ugly chibi mug might as well be in love with him. The rat (who Hidan now learns is Naruto) keeps making these gooey doe eyes at him. Just staring at him and waiting for something. Frankly, he’s pretty sure this isn’t normal behaviour. And it’s just creepy. 

“Brat. Quit staring.” 

“Hey mister, are you gonna leave me?” 

This is ridiculous. If he could, he would. Sadly, he couldn’t. Can’t. Whatever. The answer is obvious, but he points it out anway. “No.” 

After that it only gets worse. The kid is starry eyed (blegh). Hidan is disgusted. He wants nothing more than to throw the trash out. In some dumpster. In someone’s arms. In the middle of the road. 

Unfortunately, his problems can’t be fixed just like that. (blegh) (life used to be so much easier.)

So he adjusts. He drags the kid out and steals him some new, absolutely not orange clothes (“–most ugliest, shittiest, foul colour I’ve ever seen. It’s a disgrace, and if I ever see you wearing it again I swear I’ll burn–”), slowly and gradually feeds the insect food that isn’t ramen (“–said no! Jashin-sama, do you ever eat anything else–”) , convinces him that those people are just having a big family gathering (“–yes, I’m sure. No, they aren’t getting robbed. Look, that woman’s pregnant and she’s having a baby shower so don’t worry about it. I know because I’m immortal–”), and even teaches the kid to set up some traps (“–oops?” “NARUTO–”). 

Clearly, everything is going fine. Perfectly fine. He’s not losing hair. He’s not praying every second of the day. And if he is, it’s to Jashin-sama. And it’s not about Naruto. 

Oh, who is he kidding? 

If his hair wasn’t already grey, he’s sure it’d be turning so. Kids are hard, and he’s found a new sense of respect for parents. Not enough to refrain from killing or sacrificing them, but enough to stalk them for tips. (well, he wouldn’t say stalk…)

Also, why has nobody told him you’re supposed to do something special for birthdays? Like, something special besides saying, “Happy Birthday, yay, eat your ramen.” 

The kid’s been sulking all day and while it’s relieving to finally have some peace and quiet, he knows it’s just going to create more problems for himself in the long run. (great. blegh)

And if he’s going to have to give the kid a present, well… might as well introduce him to the religion that made Hidan kidnap Naruto in the first place. (“brat, take this.” “for me?” “yes for you, I just said to take it. what are you deaf–?”)

What? It’s not okay to teach kids about Jashin-sama? You can’t tell him not to educate Naruto about religion. It’s just furthering Naruto’s knowledge and teaching him some real world hardcore “ninja stuff!” 

So he gifts the kid a Jashin-sama necklace, a Jashin-sama book about Jashin-sama, and finally ramen for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Pretty good, you gotta admit. 

The downside is that those leaf nin are still after them. There’s no way in hell he’ll change his own appearance, and even ninja who aren’t from Konoha target him for his head. It’s a lot of work. So if he takes time to chill while Naruto reads about Jashin-sama, no one can blame him. If he finds another poor soul to torture and sacrifice, as a stress reliever, no one can blame him. (except the poor soul, lol. and maybe his family. and friends.) 

// 

When he gets back to Naruto, he finds the rat bitching about how suffering is a bad thing, and that Jashinism (Jashin-samanism?) doesn’t sound like something Hidan should be promoting and spreading to children. 

He does have to admit that yeah, he can’t really imagine a chibi running around and torturing people to sacrifice. But it’s not like he expects Naruto to jump on his bandwagon and start sacrificing people with him as some sort of unsettling bonding time. 

If anything, it would probably create even more problems for Hidan. Who knows what Jashin-sama wanted the kid for. Probably something very important. Jashin-sama wasn’t like those other gods that simply did things for pure enjoyment. Jashinism was a religion that spoke only the truth, in pain, suffering, and destruction. 

No, Jashin-sama would never do such a thing like telling Hidan to kidnap Naruto just for shits and giggles. 

Right?


	3. hidan's no good, very bad, super unfortunate health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hidan is ill.
> 
> /(ㄒoㄒ)/~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHDHBHBAJODHU
> 
> ok so there's a little sad part in the beginning but its fine cuz its not that sad
> 
> also this is short... its just a drabble... uh now i have to do schoolwork bye

Naruto remembers walking around a village and getting a wind berth. Remembers mothers and fathers telling their children not to go near him. People refusing to serve him at restaurants, teachers treating him unfairly, stalls making him pay more than other customers. 

He remembers a single swing, a shadow cast under a tree. Children in parks getting picked up by family. He didn’t understand, then. How kids would willingly leave and play on their own and trust their dads or siblings to pick them up when the time was right. To have a warm home with a readymade cooked meal waiting for them. To belong somewhere and stay there, with no thought or threat of ever losing it or being abandoned. 

Naruto had none of that.

But one day he did. And the days after that, again and again. 

The details are messy, barely comprehensible for his mind. All he knows is that one day he walked in an alleyway. 

Hidan looked scary, rash and reckless when he saw him. Naruto thought for sure that the man was going to make him leave like everyone else. But he let Naruto stay, even took him with him. They left Konoha, and Naruto learned there was more to the world than that cold gaze. He learned to trust, to eat food other than ramen, to set traps.

Even when the man left and Naruto stayed still and waited, Hidan came back. That was already more than what Naruto could ask for. Everyday felt exhilarating. Everyday they’d go somewhere new, and there was always something to learn and eat. He never had to pay for groceries, never had to be stared at or ignored. Was never abandoned or lonely. 

Naruto loved it. 

Loved it even when Hidan was stressed, when he left earlier and for a longer period of time and came back bloodier too. Naruto suspected it wasn’t his blood, but he never said anything. 

Hidan was religious, and that meant he practiced his religion completely and wholeheartedly. He prayed a lot (in mornings and constantly under his breath, rubbing his forehead), and did these weird rituals. Naruto had no say in what Hidan’s religion was, so he didn’t bother him about it. 

Still, Hidan behaved weirdly from time to time. Like on his birthday, Hidan spasmed during dinner. His face got all red and he refused to eat another noodle. Naruto knows that’s not normal. People who don’t like ramen, or can’t finish their bowl of ramen have something wrong with them. (could it be some sort of illness?)

Naruto took it upon himself to watch Hidan.

At the most random times, like right now, where Naruto is chatting with the sweet pregnant woman, Hidan pops out of nowhere, picks him up, holds him with one arm, uses his shoulder to support him, and runs. Runs until they get somewhere new entirely. 

It’s a little annoying. The pregnant woman was so nice to him, offering him candy and sweets. Was Hidan scared that Naruto would leave him? Sure the lady called him cute instead of saying stuff like “–you slimy rat, wipe that snot from your face you disgusting child–”, but that doesn’t mean he would stay with them rather than leaving with Hidan. Satisfied with his conclusion, Naruto opened his mouth, “neh neh, Hidan. Hidan. Hey.”

“What.”

“You don’t have to worry. I’ll never leave you for a pregnant lady.” 

“Why you–!” 

After that, Hidan got really red. He must have felt really embarrassed, and Naruto even felt a little bad. He made a note for himself to bring it up more casually next time and a little less blunt as well. 

Then, Hidan started praying again under his breath. It’s been happening more frequently too. Was his illness acting up? 

“Hidan, are you in pain?”

“Yes. I wonder why.”

So Hidan did have an illness. An unknown illness that came out of nowhere… Or maybe he picked it up by accident? Did he get it from someone he was in contact with? Was there no cure? Is that why he’s been praying to Jashin so much? “Can I help?” 

“Yes. Shut up.” 

“How can I help?”

“By shutting your goddamned hole.” 

“Okay.” 

(somehow, Hidan got even more red after that. maybe he didn’t want people to know about his illness?) 

// 

Here’s what Naruto knows: Hidan has an unknown illness, with an unknown cure, and that Naruto could help by being quiet. He doubted his silence would actually help though. He’s never heard of a cure in the shape of silence. Hidan was probably just annoyed by his talkative nature. He always says Naruto talks too much, that and “–talking my ear off, do you ever shut the fuck up–?” Naruto’s sure he’s exaggerating way too much compared to the average person; is it a side effect to his illness? 

Maybe some ramen could cure Hidan. He never eats any, so perhaps that’s why he’s sick. He’s pretty sure soup is good for sick people. 

On a new mission, Naruto heads to a ramen stall. The Ichiraku Ramen is better, but that’s in Konoha where that pineapple man tried to attack Hidan and even tried to kidnap Naruto! When he shared the story to some gathering of pregnant ladies, they all gasped, “how scandalous!” Naruto, of course, agreed, and told them that Hidan never let any pineapple man go near him again after that. He’s very grateful to Hidan, which is why he’s trying to find the man a cure. 

So Naruto was waiting for the ramen, the cure to Hidan’s illness, the food of Gods, when he realized he didn’t have any money to pay for it. But the ramen was made in record time, and there was nothing he could do except yell, “HIDAN!” 

Hidan, reliable as always, pops out of nowhere and grabs him while Naruto snatches the ramen. Then Hidan runs until he questions why he’s running in the first place. “Why the hell am I running?”

“Hidan, Hidan! I got some ramen for you! Eat up!”

“Why should I even fucking touch that thing in the first place, I’d rather die!” 

It’s worse than Naruto imagined, and he needs to fix the problem fast. “Don’t say that Hidan! You need to cure your illness with it!” 

“What fucking illness?!” 

“Your illness!” 

Was even Hidan unaware of it? Did his illness brainwash him? First refusing to eat the ramen, the constant praying and mumbling, even saying he’d rather die… No! He shook his head, he couldn’t let that happen to Hidan!

“No! Hidan, you must eat it!” 

If Hidan truly believed he didn’t have an illness, then they didn’t have much time left. Who knew what other side effects would show? What’s next? Hair loss? Memory loss? 

“No! I refuse you heathen.”

“You have to Hidan!”

“Absolutely not. Did you not hear me, you vile creature?!” 

“Eat the ramen! It’s the food of gods. It’s good for you!” 

“NO IT’S NOT. Jashin-sama would never!”

“It’s the cure! You’ll die if you don’t!”

“I don’t have an illness! You dumb dickhead, fucking idiot, stupid child!” 

“Yes you do! You’re experiencing the side effects! Eat the ramen!”

(finally, after much complaining and scolding remarks, the two settled down and Hidan ate his ramen. Naruto rested happily, content now that Hidan was cured. unfortunately, Hidan was indeed not cured, because he never had an illness in the first place. Naruto later discovered this when he woke up, and continued to look for the nonexistent cure which only added to the annoyance, excruciating pain, and desperate praying of Hidan.) 

Sitting atop of his throne, in some plane of the universe, Jashin continued to watch his servant struggle with the jinchuuriki amusedly. When he first made the decision, he hadn’t expected it all to work out so well. He’d certainly hadn’t expected for Hidan to actually take care of the brat for so long. Hearing his prayers have been so entertaining lately, perhaps he should do this with all his servants? It would definitely make them more eager to please him, in some hopeful fantasy that he’ll allow them to stop taking care of children. 

Not that he ever would. What? Don’t look at him like that. Yeah, these are his followers he’s talking about but come on, he’s Jashin. The god of pain, death, and destruction. Seriously. Look it up on google. He's not kidding.

Looked it up? Nah, you didn’t. Whatever. He doesn't actually care. But anyway, he enjoys people’s suffering. So it makes complete sense for him to use his servants as a source of entertainment. They basically signed up for this, really. It’s practically all in the manual.

Ah, he can hear his loyal servant praying right now as it is. 

The sweet, sweet sounds of desperate begging to be bound free from children. It’s incredibly delightful to hear the brat in the background, whining at his follower to eat some ramen as a cure for some imaginary illness. 

Jashin could grant Hidan his wish, tell him the jinchuuriki isn’t actually important, but why would he do that? He grins, unleashing a mad laugh in one exhilarating breath. He’s perfectly content the way things are now. 

//

Hidan swears he hears the ringing in his ears again, those illusionary bells chiming. Maybe he does have some illness?

“I told you!”

Ah shit. He said that out loud. 

“OKAY BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN RAMEN IS THE CURE!”


	4. hidan's no good, very bad poor mental health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so maybe hidan's ill after all. featuring his chocked, painful and awfully distressing laughter. (。﹏。*)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i added an extra that I had mixed feelings about -.-
> 
> I also wrote this in science class (；′⌒`)

Hidan’s broke.

Hidan’s broke, counting whatever’s left in his wallet; hidden in some dark alleyway with Naruto grabbing onto his leg while it bounces. Well, he's not actually in some alleyway (he definitely feels that way mentally), but sitting on the bathroom toilet. And Naruto isn't actually grabbing onto his leg, but sitting outside the bathroom door. The brat's certainly haunting Hidan though (mentally). And his leg really can't seem to keep from bouncing. 

Hidan’s broke and kids are expensive. 

Hidan’s broke and he’s about to become a beggar.

Hidan’s broke and he’s poorer than the poor souls he sacrifices. 

Hidan’s br–

Hidan’s bro–

Hidan’s b r o k e n . 

What? He’s poor? How is that possible? Doesn’t he just steal everything? Yeah, just conveniently ignore his pain. (broken.) 

Yeah, well, stealing with your kid standing there is a bad influence and you’re a bad role model and you shouldn’t be around children… blah blah blah

No, he was not nagged by somebody’s grandma. No, Naruto did not already use Hidan’s super great ninja skills to steal ramen, you’re crazy. (no he is. pain. broken.)

So, he can’t steal and he can’t go after someone with a bounty while Naruto’s hanging all over him. (it’s too dangerous and not child-proof enough to kill people with kids on your back.) But still, hypothetically, if he were to run off at night to murder wanted people, without Naruto, that would work right? 

(and how is Hidan supposed to do that between sacrificing people, running around all day, making sure Naruto actually sleeps? no shut your stupid hole. it’s not as easy as you think it is.) (broken.)

He can already feel the migraine coming in through his temple. Fuck, he’s going to be a hobo at this point… a hobo with a kid… Is he just going to wash away like this? Sneaking out at night to kill humans like he’s some mom hiding in the bathroom, secretly eating donuts? And what of Naruto? The dickhead can’t even do simple math, or use words correctly. Clearly, from the use of Hidan’s superior language, the child feels inferior. He keeps saying “that’s a dandy profligate you got!” when he doesn’t even know what it actually means. Hidan knows. Hidan went to school. Hidan aced that shit. Hidan was cool. (now he’s just broken…)

Not that it matters. How cool and hip Hidan is. But he’s cool. Present tense. Cuz he still got it. Swag, motherfucker. 

Wait, what the fuck? 

Stop talking to yourself… stop saying (broken)! It’s not true… he’s not… b r o k e n . 

He’s going insane… 

“Hidan.”

Does he seriously need to convince himself he’s cool? To break free from reality? He needs to punch himself in the face… bang his head on the wall… window...

“Hidan.”

Fuck off, please. Just let him take a piss, Naruto. Let him stare into the mirror in despair. Gaze into the window. Let him go, Naruto. Let him go. 

“Hidan!”

Where is that sobbing coming from? 

“Hidan!”

If he were a fish, and flushed himself down the toilet, could he escape? 

“Ojiisan!!” 

The door slams open but Hidan is already halfway through the window. Though he’s been demoted to a nanny, he’s still known as an S-rank missing-nin. His skills are far too great for a simple-minded child to get in his way. Freedom is so close. He doesn’t have to grow old and wash away like this. It’s not too late. He can go back to his old days. He can still be a bachelor, the immortal sadist, the guy who peed in ponds and watched kids swim in after–

Naruto pulls him back fast by the cloth of Hidan’s jacket. “Ojiisan! What are you doing?!”

“Gazing into the sunset.” 

“Oh, yeah! That profligate is super nice, dattebayo!” 

Naruto says that in full confidence, and looks at Hidan like he’s expecting praise. 

Hidan’s breath stutters, a lump forms in his throat. A burning in his chest...he has never wanted anything more than to strangle Naruto at that moment. 

“Child, in my eyes, you are a profligate.” 

“Ojiisan!” It says it like it's touched, and then moves to actually touch Hidan. 

The Thing goes to hug him, and Hidan lets him squeeze without any resistance; staring into the world so separate from his own. 

He thinks a tear glides down his face, but he can’t tell. He doesn’t feel things anymore. 

Tis the only way he can survive sane. 

(too late…)

ahah hah hahahaha… 

(broken)

// 

“My, what a wonderful child you have!”

“Oh, yes… yes. Knows how to cook and clean too. Can set traps…” 

“Ya ya! I’m a super profligate!”

“So cute!”

“You can have him. $200.” 

“What?”

“What?”

“TAKE HIM, AND MY MONEY.”

He picks up The Thing, throws The Thing, leaves his wallet, and runs. 

He relishes in freedom for exactly 2 minutes, 36 seconds. And in that time, he’s able to accomplish charming a woman, terrorizing a group of children, and eating a beautiful piece of bread; food that isn’t ramen. 

But he already knows The Thing is there before he even gets to him. 

How silly of him to think that he could have a normal life...

(broken)

“Ojiisan! I finally found you! Where are you going?”

“Jashin-sama…” 

(extra)

Right, so Hidan’s not ill. At all. The doctor even said Hidan had super great awesome prime health. Which, really, he should’ve known. Immortality probably gives you that. (heh.) 

Anyway, they’re walking around, heading off to some other small village, when! 

More problems. (don’t be surprised.) More problems show up. Hidan suffers. That’s all. (yeah, there’s no such thing as a happy episode for Hidan.) 

At this point Hidan will never rest. During their journey they encountered another trashy human. Piece of shit. Fucking hell… Yes, Jashin-sama. Give him more. He loves it. Hahaha… (“Ojiisan are you okay?” “Who’re you calling Ojiisan?!”) It just came right out the bushes. Just like that. 

The stalker girl who once tried to follow him around town. And no he did not just shiver. He’s a shinobi for Jashin’s sake. 

And to make matters worse, because he should’ve known the brat would be the epitome of his problems, the girl befriends Naruto. He’s in the middle of picturing the landslide he’s falling down on when his attention is brought to the girl, who, it turns out, is a fangirl. 

Hahaha…

“Ojiisan? 

“What!?” Jashin-sama, can’t a simple, mortal…er, immortal man just accept his downfall in a self pity party? Is that too much to ask? He turns his eyes over to Naruto, who’s already gotten distracted by the fangirl. The two are standing sideways to him, holding both hands with their arms bent and staring into each other’s eyes like they’ve just found salvation. 

It’s so awfully dramatic that he wants to puke, but that would be unsightly. Almost as disgusting as Naruto. 

“Ojiisan, I think you really are sick this time!”

“No the fuck I’m not!” 

He picks up the kid and turns to run the hell away. Maybe get rid of the girl while he’s at it. After all, she could be a horrible influence on Naruto. Nobody would want another fangirl in this story. He’s already seen a few in Konoha, chasing down a black haired Uchiha. That’s terrifying and he wants no part in any interactions with a fangirl unless it's a massacre. 

But the bells chime again, and Hidan knows that Jashin knows that Hidan knows.

Hidan wants to cry. (not that anybody cares.)

It’s too late to play pretend with the girl, and with Jashin-sama, so he takes her, runs, and dumps them all in some bushes. 

Ugh. He hates children. Actually, he hates people, period. 

Unexpectedly, she doesn’t try to talk to him much. She can probably feel the murderous gleam in his eyes everytime the bitch even dares to look at him. That thing is not getting near him. 

Because of that, he can actually stand her presence for the next few days. She doesn’t talk to him, doesn’t look at him, doesn’t even stand near him. It’s a very promising future she has with him. It’s actually even better behaviour than Naruto. 

But he can only stand her for so long. It’s when Naruto is reading his book on Jashinism, that she opens her mouth and spews absolute bullshit. She goes on and on about how Jashinism is “stupid,” and that it’s much better to focus on good optimistic things like “Sasuke-kun!” 

And apparently “Sasuke-kun!” is some bastard from Konoha? How does she even know him? Stalker alert. 

Anyway, he’s not putting up with this. Even if Jashin-sama told him to do so. There will be no fangirls in this house. (what house?) None. Zero. 

When he takes Naruto and runs to the next village, they see her again two days later. 

...fangirls. 

*shudder*

No! He did not shudder! 

“Onee-chan!”

...he needs a drink, some poor souls to sacrifice, and a window to gaze through dramatically with a champagne glass.


	5. hidan's no good, very bad, super unfortunate character

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hidan gets some much needed therapy (✿◡‿◡)
> 
> hehehhe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't like this one at first, but I just worked on it more and more and now im pleased with the ending. I've had a rough few days and a bunch of projects due but this made me feel better. o(*￣︶￣*)o

Hey, remember when Hidan threw the Thing, along with his wallet away?

He’s really regretting that now. Not the part where he got rid of the Thing (albeit for 2 minutes and 36 seconds), but when he lost all his ryo. 

Because now Hidan has not even a wallet to put his nonexistent money. 

And to make matters even more difficult for him, Naruto’s gotten sick. Not actually sick. Sadly, the brat also somehow has prime and superior health. (according to the doctor, anyway.) But he’s catched this… baby fever. 

He should’ve known not to let the hellspawn around so many pregnant ladies, whom a few of which had already given birth to ridiculously ugly babies. 

Let him start over.

So they were chilling, in peace, without harming anybody, when Hidan saw a pineapple shinobi man from the leaf. Due to Hidan’s extraordinary memory, he managed to recall, with considerable and noble efforts, the trauma he suffered on That Day. That Day, when he met The Thing and was trusted by Jashin-sama, a most distinguished god of pain, destruction, and death, to pursue the great task of kidnapping The Thing; which later ended up in him taking care of it for all eternity. 

In Hidan’s magnificent mind, he calculated the best possible action to take in the few moments they had before the pineapple shinobi man noticed them. He came up with a satisfying solution and did his shinobi tingz. 

Hidan popped (out of nowhere, making use of his extensive shinobi tingz knowledge) in front of the kid, made sure it was the right kid (nobody wanted a repeat of last time…), and with a glorious leap, using his beautiful, strong calves and glutes, ran like a manly shinobi. 

His hair sprung freely in the wind, creating the perfect emphasis on his lavish features. His eyes sparkled for the first time in what felt like years, simply content to run with the breeze gently touching his face. He looked towards the sky, reveling in the marvelous, boundless blue. Everything was really, sincerely and honestly fine at that moment. Hidan felt as if he were experiencing something fantastical, like true love, or true love’s kiss. Or perhaps even the happily ever after of a story. 

Yeah, no. He’s surely lost himself these days. He needs to snap out of it. Hidan’s starting to lock himself in the washroom (anyone’s washroom. for some reason it just has to be a washroom), laughing quietly in choked gasps to whatever string of thoughts he can pull together more and more often. Each time after talking to Naruto for too long. Coincidence? He thinks not. 

It’s terribly pathetic though, really. 

There are only rare moments now, that he’s able to get himself sorted out. He can’t even look at women anymore before remembering that Naruto came from one. Disgusting. 

Wait, shit. He got off track again. Crazy, huh.

Okay, well, they ran off and got to a village (apparently one they’d already gone to before?), and were greeted with the sight of many, many babies. How had they all gotten pregnant, give birth, and gather in one spot, all at that same time? Suspicious. Was it some woman thing? 

Whatever it was, he wanted no part in it. Good thing he wasn’t a woman. 

And he swears to Jashin, the moment he had thought that, all women suddenly stopped and stared right at him. If all women could read minds, then he guesses it’d be very advantageous after all? 

Safe. 

Right. The story. (bad Hidan! bad! focus!)

As it was, while Hidan was still getting skeptical stares from many women, Naruto had joined said women and started holding their babies. (and promptly, fell in love with them.) 

He’s not even kidding. The brat started holding babies over two hours ago, and look where they are now. Still holding the babies. (also, what does “uwu” even mean? brat says some weird things.) 

Hidan’s starting to think Naruto might leave him for a pregnant lady after all. 

Not that he would mind, but he’d been taking care of The Thing for (not that he’d been counting), six months and 14 days. (Hidan is getting the distinct feeling that he’s acting like someone who’s been in rehab, doing therapy…) 

“Ojjisan! Why don’t you have a baby?” 

“Why would I want something that would turn out just like you?” Hidan gives himself a pat on the back for that one. Maybe this time the dumbass would take the hint and run away to cry in some corner like the rat he was. And while the dickhead did that, Hidan could run off and hide in a den with some beavers. Or hibernate with a family of bears. He doubted Naruto could find him, then. That’d be ideal. 

Alas, such is not the life for Hidan. No matter how much he wishes so. He’ll probably be stuck with the child until it turned into a manchild. 

“I knew you thought I was cute!” 

Honestly, why does Hidan even try anymore? Why bother, waste his hopes on some child becoming more bearable? Looking at Naruto now, it seemed impossible and much too heartbreaking for Hidan to ever even think of it. 

Giving up, Hidan turned away from Naruto. He predicts that if he continued to stare at it, he would lose all composure and start rampaging. Personally, he wouldn’t mind doing so, but it probably wasn’t a good idea with all the pregnant hormonal women and their mothers. 

Breathe, Hidan. No murder today.

Well, no murder besides that small incident in the morning...

Come on, it’s not like he did it on purpose!

...Okay, maybe a little. The tiniest bit… just a dash?

...Fine. He sacrificed someone. So what? It’s his religion. 

That’s not an excuse? Get over yourself. Who are you to decide so? 

Also, could Naruto not just shut the fuck up about babies? Was he physically unable? Should Hidan kidnap him (ah, he already did that…) and hide him in someone’s basement? Should he bury the boy? Should he find some jutsu and turn him into a bug? Leave him in some bird’s nest? Oh! He could- 

Oh. he couldn’t, actually. 

(Jashin-sama, please.) 

//

Ojiisan is acting weird again. 

Ever since he admitted that Naruto was cute (not really in words, but anyone with eyes could tell that Hidan absolutely adores Naruto. Why else would he be so protective? Why else would the man stare at Naruto so longingly, for minutes on end?), Hidan had turned away from him out of embarrassment. 

But that’s not the weird part. The weird part is that Naruto’s Ojiisan had stared at the ground for almost two hours now. Naruto didn’t really notice at first, just snickered and continued to play with the babies quietly. Yet as the time passed by, Naruto started to finally notice how withdrawn Hidan seemed. Slowly, Naruto had become more and more worried. Even the mothers of the babies Naruto was holding grew concerned. So he crouched down to where Hidan sat in a crisscross, and called, “Ojiisan?”

No response. 

“Hidan.” 

Nothing. 

“Hidan!”

Naruto grabbed his arm, and Hidan’s eyes shifted back into focus. 

“Brat. Let me grieve.” 

Naruto was shocked. When had someone died? He didn’t even notice! 

(there was a deep mourning within Hidan. something in his chest, a pain in his head. nothing that Naruto could understand.)

“Who died?” 

“Me.” 

“But you’re alive.”

“Not on the inside. Not in the parts of my being someone as shallow as you are would be able to see. Not where it matters.” 

(see, Hidan was an immortal, wise and all-knowing 22 year old man. In comparison, Naruto was a little seven, maybe six, maybe eight, year old boy.)

“What?”

“See? Shallow, stupid child.” 

After that, Naruto just made a face, left to see the babies and talk with the beautiful pregnant women. 

(don’t be fooled, it’s not over yet.) 

//

“Ojiisan, come with me and meet this nice lady. She's not pregnant, but she's still nice,” Naruto said gently, a hand holding Hidan’s own hand, and another in the general direction of where they were supposedly going. Hidan was unamused, Naruto was slightly desperate. 

When the silver haired man simply stood unmoving, Naruto went and pushed him forwards. If anyone knew anything about Naruto, it was that he was always so determined, never giving up in any of his endeavors. 

You see, after the previous day, Naruto talked with several ladies. After explaining the situation, they advised him to take Hidan to a woman named Noriko-san. Noriko-san, Naruto learned, was a very infamous woman in the village who gave out advice, comfort, and sympathy to troubled people. While she wasn’t a real certified therapist, she was known in the local residence as one. 

That was good enough for Naruto. 

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for Hidan.

Staring at the woman, Hidan felt a headache coming over him. 

“You brought me to a therapist?” 

“Noriko-san isn’t a therapist! She’s not certified or anything!” 

“Hey!”

“That’s worse. I’m out.” 

“Wait!”

Did she seriously think that Hidan would actually stop? He could care less about what anyone was going to say. Hidan was done. 

He guessed the woman didn’t care either, since she continued anyway. 

“I’m not certified but I’m so amazing that you should talk to me anyway blah blah blah I can help people because I have superpowers blah blah blah I’m just smart like that, you know? Like, great power comes with great responsibility and I have the greatest power ever blah blah blah so I’m using it to help people. Look at me. See how good I am? I am like a saint to the people. I’m practically their god.” 

That’s not actually what she said, but it’s what Hidan heard anyway. 

(Naruto, stop looking at her like she’s actually some saint.)

“Jashin-sama is my god.” 

“Religion! What a wonderful way to devote yourself. May I ask what your religion is, exactly?”

Naruto, apparently assuming and placing his trust into Hidan that the man would sit politely and actually talk to this insane woman, left quietly. 

“I’ll do you one better. Allow me to show you.” 

(hehehehheh) 

//

Naruto, seeing that Hidan had come out smiling, asked, “Ojiisan! How was it? Did you like it? Did it work? How do you feel? Is everything okay now?” 

“It was great. A good stress-relieving conversation. I enjoyed listening to her words.” Heh. More like screams. “Why don’t we do this more often? First let's head to the next village.”

Naruto beamed and quickly agreed, “Okay!”

As the two walked off, Hidan grinned from ear to ear. Maybe the brat was good for something after all. 

(later, he found he was wrong. but that’s a story for next time.)


	6. hidan's no good, very bad, super unfortunate.... gah! stupid babies!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan, Naruto, Jashin-sama and babies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu

Hidan’s said this before, but he really shouldn’t have let Naruto near so many pregnant women. And babies. 

Why, you ask? Well. You all know how stressed Hidan gets, and the various coping mechanisms he uses… 

Basically, as Hidan dumped Naruto at a ramen stall in a hasty attempt to escape, he managed to hide away in a fine establishment, where you could be accompanied by some kind female companions dressed up in beautiful dresses and drink your woes away. Yes, he did say that he wasn’t able to look at women again after Naruto, but… He’s still a man, yeah? Plus, it was extremely relaxing. Women are wonderful specimens to get drunk with. And they were so nice to him! 

Overall, it was a fitting coping mechanism for Hidan. And yet nonetheless, trouble had soon found him anyway.

“Ojiisan!”

How Naruto succeeded in finding him each and every time? Hidan will and would never know. The world worked in mysterious ways.

“What? You have a kid?” 

“Ojiisan!”

“Hey!”

“Ojiisan!” 

Hidan sat through it all, slowly drinking his sake and staring at the escape door. 

“Snap out of it! Stop acting like you’re the main character in some tragic backstory flashback! In real life we’re all just losers! Time to pay up!” 

When did the manager get here?

“Ojiisan!” 

Did the brat not know how to say anything else? Anything other than, “Ojiisan!” 

“Pay up you loser! Side character! Extra! Supporting actor!” 

He felt his lips lift in a scoff, an angry “tsk” harshly coming out of his mouth. He could kill all these fools in 9 seconds flat. Could rip their skulls out and keep them in some creepy chamber. Could stack them up and make a throne. 

If only…

“Where are your manners, sir? You need to pay for taking such time from these ladies!”

Where did those ladies even go? He’d been staring at the exit the whole time?!

“Pay! You freeloader! Cheap man! Pathetic boy! Unmanly! Parasite! Lowlife leech!” 

Hidan’s had a hard few days. Weeks. Months. 

It’s been almost a year. A whole year he spent being followed by a demon child. A year since he lost all his friends, his contacts. His life as a sadistic s-rank missing nin. Now he’s just a nanny. A tool to be used. Someone a brat goes to mooch on. Take his candies, his chocolate and his money to buy something like ramen… 

He’s been put through so many unbelievable circumstances, so many stressing situations… 

Hidan feels like a ghost, lurking around and watching as everything falls apart before him. Simply hanging onto life by a thread, and said thread pulling him around like a puppet. 

Hopelessly praying, sacrificing, and torturing. 

His nights, supposed to be focused on sleeping but performing the rituals anyway. 

It gets to him. Even an immortal man like Hidan can fall to illness. Like, mental illness. AKA, insanity. 

...Not that he’s already fallen. He’s just giving you a heads up. Just in case, ya know?

Anyway, he’s agitated, aggravated, tired, and fucking angry. So, in a small petty thing he takes immense pleasure in, he says, “I’ll kill you.” 

And he really means it too. Just not right now. Cuz the kid is still here. 

“Ojiisan!” 

He surrenders and lets himself be pulled out by Naruto, who looks at him as if he has a problem. 

“What?”

“Ojiisan!”

“WHAT?” 

“OJIISAN!”

“WITH YOUR WORDS, CHILD.”

“OJIISAN.”

“I SAID WITH YOUR WORDS.”

“OJIISAN- How are babies made?”

Holy fucking shit. What does he do now? Does he completely terrorize the kid and make it so that he never looks Hidan in the eye ever again? Does he run away? Does he dump him in school for a day and hope that they were coincidentally teaching… that subject, that day? 

Hidan did not sign up for this. He is and will never be prepared to do “the talk” with a child, not to mention HIS child. 

… 

Fuck. What should he say? The worm’s been staring at Hidan for minutes now, while he sweats bullets. Fucknfdopjpdoweawjeiosk3op

(did he say, HIS child??) 

What was that thing again? Holding hands with a girl? Seagulls delivering them? Or was it doves? Fuck that sounds wild. Totally unbelievable. Wait, no it was Santa. That makes sense? Fuck stop being an old man. That shit is old as hell now. No one believes that anymore… 

Eleves...ritual…..fuckin’ shooting stars…..that old lady in the tea shop....wtiches? ...the grinch? Fuck fuck fuc kfuckf fukc fuckf THE EASTER BUNNY- no what does chocolate have to do with babies...TRUE LOVES KISS.

What is his life, even? Sitting here, staring at a brat, trying to come up with an excuse… Jashina-sama, why? WHY? WHY JASHIN-SAMA? 

He’s sobbing now, on his knees with his hands automatically forming a prayer. He’s the picture of a desperate religious parent. 

“Jashin-sama…” 

“Jashin-sama gives you babies?!”

Hidan chokes, stumbling and stuttering in a way no one would believe if you told them. (so don’t, kay?)

He can feel shadows creeping closer and hear the buzz of a fly right next to his ear. The overwhelming presence of a god watching your every move, every action and lie you tell. If you shall dare sin in thy eyes…

But Hidan can’t move. Can’t even open his mouth and take his words back. All he can do is listen, imagine the horrors in his head, and pray in broken breaths. 

Meanwhile….

Jashin breaks the small and thin bones in his hand, a tick mark forming on his forehead. 

Babies? 

While it was amusing to watch Hidan try to come up with an excuse, he was not going to stand for this. (not that Jashin actually stood for anything these days. He just rested on his throne, lol.)

Babies? 

Jashin was, precisely word-for-word, the opposite of life. 

Babies? 

He was the God of Death.

Babies?

Freaking, God of Death!

Babies?

God. Of. Death. 

Babies?

Death! Murder! Chaos! 

Babies?!

Death!

Babies! Seriously?! (out of all things!?)

His features twitch, an angry tick mark only growing bigger. 

Goddamn babies…

//

Naruto was amazed. He always admired Hidan, and was always extremely grateful to the man. 

Babies!

However, this reached a whole new level. 

Babies!

He couldn’t believe he wasn’t aware of such lengths, such incredibility of Hidan’s religion! Sure, he read the introduction book, but he couldn’t actually read that well and only made out a few words that he assumed meant murder and all things bad. 

Babies!

He should’ve known not to judge a book by the cover! But, in his defence, how couldn’t he? The book literally had blood all over it! And a picture of a man slicing a woman’s head off was pretty gruesome for a book cover. 

Babies!

Still, he could’ve learned to read before reading it… he probably misread some things, especially that part about torture… 

Babies! 

Hidan made babies! Through his religion! Jashin-sama was the God of Babies! 

Babies! 

Can you believe it? Babies! Hidan was a Father. 

Babies! 

A new sense of respect formed within Naruto, and a pledge to do better from then on. 

...Babies! 

//

“Gomenasai, Jashin-sama. Forgive this lowly servant…for thy sin committed…” Hidan prayed in barely comprehensible mumbles as soon as he found his voice, desperately seeking and trying to ask for mercy, possibly guidance. 

Stupid babies...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually write these chapters one by one in a single sitting when I have time, and as soon as I finish I read over it a little before posting lol. so im sorry <(＿ ＿)>
> 
> also i think i overdid it with the babies but im too lazy to change it


	7. hidan's no good, very bad...??? what even is this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some real plot shit going on thats all 
> 
> aka this is just chaotic pff bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this gets sad and then crack and then sad again because its a literal representation of how i feel 
> 
> also i added my midlife crisis that i went through while writing this but its at the end so ignore it if u must

“Hokage-sama! We have reports on Naruto Uzumaki’s sighting,” the anbu relayed, fingers twitching and head lowered in submission. 

“And?”

“He was seen three days ago in Shimogakure. Are we to pursue?” 

Ever since Naruto had been taken, presumably for the Kyuubi, Konoha had been in chaos. The council demanded the jinchuuriki’s kill on sight order to avoid possible threat in the future; and Hiruzen had to fight tooth and nail to manage and maintain a consensus. Shinobi were to try to bring him back to Konoha if seen, but under certain circumstances, they were officially given the ‘okay’ to eliminate him. 

Kakashi worked himself like never before, his comrades following his lead, clan elders complaining to send ANBU to kill Naruto instead of bringing him back, Jiraiya sending him messages in the shape of frogs and their mouths on every piece of information he can find, the Uchiha Clan cracking under pressure, civilians running their mouths about the hellspwan’s disappearance. 

Danzo in particular, had stirred up a mess that Hiruzen could no longer support. 

Did he mention Kakashi? Kakashi, Itachi, and Shisui all at once. The child prodigies. All at. Once. And then Danzo. Danzo and ROOT. Danzo, with the support of the Council and ROOT at his disposal.

The whole of Konoha wants Naruto Uzumaki to stay away, save a few individuals. The shinobi he sends to bring back Naruto want to kill him instead, but still come back bloody and bruised, sometimes dead and sometimes missing. 

Hiruzen doesn’t know what will happen if he sends Kakashi. If he sends Kakashi and Kakashi fails. 

It’s a storm waiting to rampage. There was no calm before this; not for Kakashi, or Hiruzen, or Naruto. One day, somehow and somewhere, Naruto was kidnapped and made to believe that his kidnapper was his friend. 

Hiruzen knows that Kakashi would never kill Naruto. Knows that all Kakashi wants is to never fail anyone. 

And yet the truth is laid out bare. Kakashi can’t save Naruto alone, and he’s not sure he can save his teammates either if they come with. 

There are several descriptions of the man who took Naruto Uzumaki. All of them say three things: Hidan is a sadist, a machochist, and is (probably) a med-nin able to heal himself even after many fatal and critical wounds, no matter how unconvincing the thought is. 

If Kakashi goes alone, he could die or retreat knowing he failed Minato’s son. If he goes with his comrades…

Kakashi. Kakashi who shows up three hours late for every event. Kakashi, who’s only friend is the man in green spandex. Kakashi, the boy who was going to be his sensei’s son. Kakashi, who buried, and still buries himself in work. In anbu missions and blood he can’t wipe off. In mourning and memories. In his regrets and a vow he bleeds to keep. 

Kakashi who still visits the KIA stone every morning, every night, every second he isn’t on a mission. 

But Hiruzen has no other choice. 

“Tell Inu I have a mission for him.”

//

“Ojiisan! Gosh, for the love of babies and Jashin-sama! She was going to give me free ramen!” The brat whines, completely ignorant to the several ninja Hidan senses. Oh, yes, Naruto. Of course we’ll stay here for a couple more minutes, so the ramen girl can give you more free ramen, and yes! We’ll even stay for seconds! Why not thirds while we’re at it? Haha, it’s not like there’s the Copy Cat Ninja right there, a very well-known s-rank shinobi and child prodigy. Man of a Thousand Jutsus. And his fellow Konoha ninja friends. Weird friends, he might as well add, but still friends. That are ninja. 

“We have to go.” 

The seriousness in Hidan’s voice noticeably startles Naruto, and for a second he thinks he actually got through to the kid. Just for a second though.

“Why?” 

Hidan slouches, his head rolls exaggeratedly and his eyes go to the back of his head. His arms go up in a universal sign of, “why do you think?” (which is a mix of a shrug and jazz hands)

“Kay. But you owe me ramen.”

“Psh. Yeah and you owe me your life but who even cares about Hidan, huh? Did I ask for this? No. Did I sign up for this? NO. I’m just the s-rank immortal nanny,” Hidan mumble-giggles. He’s crazy, everyone knows this. Just let him walk it off. Or run, cuz the ninja humans are still there. 

Hmmm… That’s actually a pretty good idea. He should run. Like, right now. Ugh. Gosh, can’t he stop being such a dickhead? Get your shit together, man. Stop talking to yourself. Stop referring to yourself in third person. Stop-

Aw fuck ya did it again! Now run, bitch. 

So Hidan picks up the real bitch, because he’s not a bitch (even if his own subconscious tells himself he is), and runs, like a bitch. wAIT nO- 

So he runs, and he doesn’t actually make it very far. It’s not his fault though. Yes, he paused for way too many seconds talking to himself, but he was probably going to get caught anyway. 

Like, he’s human?? And that thing the Copy Cat Ninja has with him is NOT human. It wears green spandex. And orange things on its legs and forearms. 

It reminds him of The Thing. The Thing and That Day. 

This one might be worse. Though it is not a child (thank god for that. hidan would not want to be forced to kidnap another one.) it wears both green and orange, SPANDEX, is smiling, his eyebrows???? And keeps giving the thumbs up to Naruto. All in all, he’s definitely sus. Mad creepy and gives total pedo vibes. 

Naruto seems to think the same, judging by how he immediately goes to hide behind Hidan’s leg. Much to his annoyance, since he’s going to have to either kick ass, get his ass kicked, or run away before any of it. Somehow. 

...so the copy cat man did his thing and he had all his friends to back him up like tf hidan literally had NO ONE except a five year old! (“I’m not five!!! Don’t you remember my birthday?!) like gosh talk about unfair?? Tree huggers aint shit PERIODT. 

(stop it you’re not a teenager like you’re author is. HIDAN YOU DONT HAVE INSTAGRAM. YOU LIVE A LONELY LIFE WITH NO SOCIAL MEDIA OR FRIENDS. ALL YOU HAVE IS A KID WHILE THE AUTHOR IS A LITERAL CHILD AHSDVJGUIASJ. GOD, you have NO excuse. smarten up bitch. Even the author lives a better life than you.) 

oh well who’s fault is that?? HUH???

Anyway, that’s why hidan got his ass kicked. No other reason. 

K but it wasn’t that bad. Hidan got his ass kicked but he’s still immortal as fuck. And no, immortality is not his only skill. Ugh fuck he doesn’t want to recount this, he has things to do! The author has things to do! Not because they’re both lazy. 

(no other reason) 

Fine, fuck, take it you greedy bastards. 

It goes like this: 

“Naruto, come here,” the shinobi says, and Hidan can feel tension in every bone of his body. Jashin needs Naruto. Hidan doesn’t put his faith in a lot of things, hell, he’d grown up not trusting a single adult. But he knows Jashin wouldn’t put him up to all this shit for nothing. Hidan cannot lose Naruto. At any cost, he must keep the brat. Alive, too. 

(no other reason.) 

“Naruto, get behind me. Remember the pineapple man? These guys are his friends.”

Some other god must’ve taken pity on him at that moment, because Naruto listens and hides himself behind some bushes. Not totally discreetly, but at least Hidan can trust Naruto to set up his traps like he taught him to. 

“Why did you kidnap him?” 

“Well why did you come after him?” Hidan’s asking genuinely, because he really doesn’t want to go through the embarrassment of explaining Jashin-sama told him to kidnap an orange jumpsuit child to babysit for the next months of his sad, pathetic life. 

Not answering his question might’ve been a mistake, because the Copy Cat’s eyes narrow, and gives some sort of signal to his friend. 

A small part of Hidan in the back of his mind wonders if he implied that he kidnapped Naruto for the same reason they’re going after the kid. 

Hidan’s not stupid. A village wouldn’t waste so many shinobi going after him, even after they end up missing or dead, just for a small ramen obsessed kid. Naruto is important, Hidan doesn’t know how or why but he knows. Because of that, his faith always remained steady and strong for Jashin-sama. 

The Copy Cat flashes his hands in numerous hand-signs, and from the corner of his eye Hidan sees a girl doing the same. 

Hidan knows he can’t do this. There’s four of them, one is an s-rank, and who knows if at any given time, they’ll just ditch someone and go for the kid? Hidan’s never fought and protected someone, besides the brief interactions and easy play fights he’s had in the past with Naruto hidden somewhere close but safe. 

But Naruto hidden behind some bushes is too close, and not nearly as safe enough. 

Hidan needs Naruto, because Jashin needs (or wants,,, hidan doesn’t know... he doesn't know anything really…) him. Hidan… he has a purpose, excluding religion. He has someone to protect. (not because he cares about the kid, it’s only cuz jashin- wait does this also fall under religion?) 

Fuck, really there’s no need for some super important and inspiring or even understandable reason for anything Hidan does. Hidan just does things, goes with the flow and has faith in the path he follows. Being immortal, Hidan just lives and lives each day doing something. Taking it slow, rushing things, doing nothing even. Whether it be entertaining the thought of choking Naruto, flirting with some ladies, or drawing his dreams into the sand. (said dreams include, read: choking naruto)

While he’s suffering from loss of hair, stress, and ramen, Hidan can honestly say that his life is shit but not so shit. 

So yeah, Hidan wants to live. Wants to continue his immortality, believe it or not, somehow convince Naruto to not wear orange in everything. Just that though. No other, Naruto related… things. 

When the shinobi hits Hidan with a big ball of literal lightning, screaming, “chidori!” Hidan lets himself get hit. Lets himself bleed, and continue bleeding, even when the man backs off to prepare for another incoming attack. 

Hidan even smiles while he’s at it. 

//

Hidan is hurt. 

Naruto is watching it all happen, right before his eyes, between the little spaces the leaves are separated. 

Hidan is hurt. 

Naruto wants to run to him. To protect his friend, to beat up everyone who tries to take Hidan away, or Naruto away from Hidan. 

He doesn’t understand why they won't just leave them be. All they do is eat ramen, and talk to pregnant ladies. Well, that’s what Naruto does. He’s not really sure what Hidan does. 

But that doesn’t matter right now, because Hidan is-

Hidan is hurt. 

Hidan is hurt but Naruto knows he can’t do anything. Ojiisan’s told him, several times before, that he should never intervene with Hidan’s fights. Naruto trusts him, because Adults Hurt Kids. 

Hidan is an exception to this, because he’d never hurt Naruto, even after all these months. Even during his birthday. 

It’s true, the pregnant woman in random villages never hurt him either, but that’s because he doesn’t give them the chance to. Doesn’t know or speak to them for more than two days. Because-

Adults Hurt Kids. 

And Naruto is a kid. He knows how much it hurts, how many kids in Konoha used to be hurt too. 

It doesn’t have to be in sharp punches, or hard kicks. Doesn’t even have to be shoves. 

To Naruto, everyone in that village hurt him. 

Wide berths, cold winters, small pats on his head and then leaving. 

Naruto’s been hurt, but he doesn’t think he’s been as hurt as Hidan is, because Hidan- 

-is hurt. 

Hidan is hurt but he’s not a kid. 

Something in Naruto shatters, then. Unknowingly, he had built a perfect image of Hidan in his head. Someone strong, unstoppable. The perfect hero. An adult that didn’t hurt kids. An adult that didn’t hurt Naruto. But-

But still- 

Hidan is-

Hidan has a big hole in him and he’s-

… h u r t ?

Is he? 

Hidan doesn’t look hurt. Even with the big hole in him.

Hidan’s smiling, even through all that pain. He’s smiling like he’s really, truly happy. Naruto’s never seen Hidan so bright before. 

His eyes widen, and he can’t stop watching everything in closer detail from that moment on. 

Hidan’s hurt but he’s smiling, and Naruto doesn’t know exactly what's happening but he knows something’s changed. 

//

Hidan feels fucking great. 

Ah, he’s missed this. The ritual, the pain, the looks on his opponents’ faces. 

If they hurt him, they hurt themselves. Something they’ve learnt very recently, thanks to their dear friend in the anbu mask. 

If only that feeling could’ve lasted forever. 

They’re smarter than the look, and the green one drags Hidan out of his comfort zone (ritual circle thing. ugh) and into the Copy Nins chidori. Again. 

Also Naruto is just fucking watching?? Yeah, the brat doesn’t stand a chance against these fools but where’s the “You got this, Ojiisan!” and “You’ll never beat Hidan!” 

He doesn’t need it specifically, but a little support would be nice. Rude. He’s literally taken care of the brat for months, slaving away. Inconsiderate, ungrateful son of a- 

Ah, no. Hidan’s not a bitch. 

Anyway, Hidan drops like he’s dead, just to scare them a little, but when he’s just about to get back and up beat their asses before they get to Naruto-

Naruto turns into a thing?? 

Heh, he's gonna tell the brat it looks much better than the actual brat. 

xtra????  
mishap and midlife crisis while writing chapter seven because i need to get my shit together 

Hidan goes wooooooash! Because he needs to fight off the shinobis and go back to his sad, sad life but then the man is like “Yosh!” and tewrpfnejwksfn afigts ba da bam ba da boom woawowowowow omg hidan is so strong whattt he still gets his ass kicked?? Lame. but kakashi <3 wow does he know gojo satoru is his biggest fan and number one cosplayer anyway kakashi is like “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!” (yes mrs weasley! Go ma’am!)

Woawawas naruto is like NO u big fat bad men and women and…. Humans in general, animals too cuz i not trying to exclude <3 ily mwah

WHAT THE FUCK 

Do your asseighnment (author) god u dumb fuck DO UR SCIENCE AUTHOR oaUFCK FUYCL FUCK FUCK FYCK FYCK FYCK FCLspell it right you loser im crying

<3 haha hah aha ahdarei[sgtt8[iowfeadsjzohnp m

Do ur science luv <3 its due on wednesday, its not that hard, watch the video, no, idgaf, do ur shit. Fucl SOTP TALKING TO YOURSEL WE ALL KNoW YOU’RE THE HIDAN IN THIS FUCK YOU STOP IT IM (author) NOT REAL NAME FUVKDS NO THRID PERSON HERE FUCKD FUCK FUCK FUCL FUCKF UCKF FUKCF UCKF CUFCK its been five days since you posted wehat if everybody hates u :( stop talking to urself I HATE YOUthis is chaotic i hate you fuck u bithc mutherfucker cant spell for shit do u assign,ent they cN WAIT god can u sopt being sad all the time u btich moiresnfeoksn waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn 3w;nfj k do ur assignment bye 

But aw0anosdisamNPO NO NO NO n bye just do it gosh its due wednesday and u have another project to do already and that test gosh get help you need therapy maybe a journal bye 

What if (beta reader) sees this lol 

No she doesnt even bother :( u suck (author) go do ur work and live silently like youve always done wow shit tragic backstory flashback?????????? 

And stop talking to urself ur mental MENTAL

U didnt finish the assignment but u have time, good job for writing this have a cookie. Its ok to talk to urself we all know ur lonely and never talk to ur friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh wrote this in one sitting and things just kept like twisting and turning??? i dont really have a system when i write this lol i just start the chapter thinking im going to write something like "the time konoha is in chaos lol cuz naruto is gone rip" and then it turns into this 
> 
> yeah so im literally hidan sorry its crack and then its serious and then its crack
> 
> ALSO DID YALL SEE I LITERALLY MADE HIDAN ALL MIGHT AND NARUTO MIDORIYA HAEBISFJHIUWASN it was an accident i swear but i LOVE it
> 
> and im really sorry i need to apologize and explain for everything that doesnt really make sense like:  
> \- the people kakashi go with to get naruto,,,, um lets just say its gai and other anbu people idk like neko, NOT tenzo sorry  
> \- uh dont ask me how the 3rd hokage knows kakashi so well, he spys on everyone with his crystal ball  
> \- uchiha masssacre hasnt happened yet, but its going to, so itachi and shisui arent on the mission to rescue naruto  
> \- this chapter left on a cliffhanger because i started this late at night, but not too late becasue i have school, but i will be continuing where i left off on the next chapter  
> \- sorry its sad but i kinda like it and ive had some sad days :( we still get crack though because im always full of-  
> -um idk but i will add to this list when i finally edit lol


	8. hidan's no good, very bad, maybe okay, somewhat likeable baby brat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> continuation of chapter seven 
> 
> ಥ_ಥ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got way too excited after writing chapter seven and wrote this yesterday but ig im posting it rn ummmm just,,,
> 
> what happened??????????????????d sofihweionf

Kakashi is lost. Unsure, scared, small. 

His teammate is injured, Naruto is in some kyuubi form, and Kakashi is- 

has-

l o s t .

Naruto is hurt. His skin is peeling off in angry crumbles, a bubbling tail that Kakashi can see easily from his position. 

His teammate is hurt, off to the side, bleeding in a fatal wound. 

Kakashi is-

Someone needs to take neko back, but if someone leaves then it’s just two against Naruto in some sort of angry kyuubi form. Tiger has the most knowledge in medical ninjutsu out of all of them; enough to keep neko stable until they reach Konoha. But-

Gai can’t-

Kakashi can’t afford to lose Gai. 

Kakashi can’t afford to lose Gai but if he leaves then he’ll lose Naruto. 

They can’t fight against Naruto. They can’t win against Naruto and then win Naruto, and they can’t lose Naruto either. 

Kakashi does not have enough chakra, Gai does not have enough stamina. Neko is still bleeding to death and-

but-

k a k a s h i p r o m i s e d 

Lose Naruto and keep that vow but still lose it, stay and fight with Gai and keep- 

but still-

lose 

it. 

Naruto is a threat; a threat they can’t and won’t kill.

But Hidan is still alive. Neko is still bleeding. And Gai can’t do this. Gai can’t do this without opening his gates. 

Gai can’t die. Neko can’t die. Naruto can’t die.

They don’t have a strong medic who can heal neko right away. They don’t have someone who can retain the Kyuubi. They don’t have time. 

They won’t have casualties if he has anything to say about it, and Kakashi-

And Kakashi knows a lost cause when he sees one. 

(but he’ll be back.) 

no matter w h a t 

//

hidahAn-

something like a screech or high pitched alarm is ringing in his ears, over and over again. Naruto can barely think, and it’s his senses that keep him from being able to do so. 

It’s like they’re turned on to the highest volume, and played on repeat as a method of torture. A broken radio, scratches on a chalkboard, monsters in the mirror. There is nothing but this noise, there is nothing but this noise. There is nothing but this

nOiSEEe-

hhiDdAANNn

Adults Hurt Kids. Adults Hurt Kids but Hidan Doesn’t. Adults Hurt Kids but Hidan.

dOEsnt-

hIDAN dOESNT so wHY-

...why is hidan hurt?

hidan is good, hidan doesn’t hurt kids, hidan doesn’t hurt naruto. 

(you only get hurt if you do something bad. you only get hurt if you do something bad. you onlygethurt if you Do… Something Bad.)

...so why is hidan hurt?

why was naruto hurt? 

why were all those kids hurt?

He feels nauseous, feels like every atom in his head is ripping apart. Splitting, pulling him from one side to another, trying to grasp anything that could just make sense. But the truth is-

nothing makes sense. Nothing is right, or good, or peaceful. 

And when you don’t have something to center you, you can only center yourself. 

(even if it means being the thunder in the storm)

//

Naruto has a tail. 

Which is a little strange, (kinda dope, pretty freaky) but Hidan can’t say much because people have told him the same. Still, having a tail is just weird and unnatural. Yeah, so is being immortal but he doesn’t have a tail. His skin just turns black and white when he does his fancy ritual and looks like a badass. And he has holes in him yet he’s still living like a goddamn boss. 

Naruto also has his skin peeling off but Hidan could probably do that too. Not so impressive. 

But the look on his face is-

Hidan forgets things like this all the time. That even if he’s always torturing people and finding a sort of messed up happiness in their suffering, he forgets Naruto still feels hurt, pain, and strong emotions unlike anything Hidan can even hope to comprehend. 

It’s truly strange, this Hidan can note. For some inexplicable reason, Hidan does not want to see Naruto in this pain. He looks, just, pathetic. Sad. Angry. Hurt. And it's wrong. 

Naruto is bubbly. Loves pregnant ladies and free stuff. (which goes hand in hand) Ramen, and torturing Hidan. 

Naruto is happy, unlike pretty much the rest of the world. 

He’s innocent, sometimes sad but always kind hearted. Forgiving and naive. Unknowing and completely untouched from the dark corners of the world. 

But even happy, good people like Naruto aren’t completely untouched.

Normal children don’t become outcasts in a village they were born and raised in, especially from the moment they popped out of a chick. Normal children don’t go into alleyways to eat ramen with a stranger. They don’t go with that stranger, they don’t attempt to fight a shinobi from their own village to stay with that stranger. 

They don’t call that stranger their friend. 

Hidan forgets that. Forgets it too often because he remembers it just a little bit too much other times. 

He relishes in people's pain but Naruto is different. This is the only real and good truth that there is in the world. Naruto is different, and that’s why Hidan stands up, holes and all in his chest, and smiles at him like any other day. 

(not that hidan’s actually smiled at the kid before)

//

hhHiidDAaN

All he sees is red. Angry blood on the ground. 

Adults Hurt Kids for No Reason, but they do the same to other Adults too. 

And that's not okay. 

That's not okay for Hidan, for Naruto, for anyone and everyone who’s ever been hurt. 

All Naruto has is Hidan, just like all he had in Konoha was ramen. 

And still, Naruto isn’t quite sure what Hidan is to him. All he knows is that Hidan is important to him; precious in a way that nobody has ever been to him, or has ever felt about Naruto in return. 

hhIDahhHnN

But Naruto isn’t thinking right now. 

Naruto rarely thinks in the first place, but right now, more than ever, Naruto feels from the deepest parts of him. He feels all the suffering of a thousand-yard stare, the glares and glances. He feels every bruise, every drop of rain, every hateful reflection and comment. 

He feels so much that he can’t hold it in. Can’t smile when there’s something in his throat, and a pain in his chest. 

He feels so much that he can only convert it into anger. Just for an instant. For a few temporary seconds. For more than enough time for those shinobi to leave them alone. 

For a single, agonizing moment of silence. 

(but the turmoil is still there. edging away at his weakest points. clawing its way in an unrelenting infiltration.)

All the same, the silence hurts. The silence hurts and Naruto can’t bring himself to make a sound, not even to breathe. The silence hurts and Naruto can’t bring himself to look at Hidan, not when he’s-

(hiDAAhHNnn-)

(and it all

falls-

d o w n )

(-idan)

“Hey, kid.” 

What?

“Kid. Naruto. Dumbass. Shit, you blind?”

“...Hidan?”

//

His voice comes out croaky, raw and dry. 

“...Hidan?”

It scares Hidan more than he’d ever admit. Seeing Naruto like this, bleeding and crying on the ground. All big round eyes, shaking and trembling like he didn’t just wreck the trees around them into pieces. 

“Naruto.”

“Ojiisan!” Naruto leaps to him in a wail, sobbing and hanging onto his neck and shoulders. With each cry, his body shakes and his chest falls with every exhale. 

“You alright, brat?”

Hidan lays a hand to hold Naruto’s head, which buries itself in his chest. 

“Hidan-oji, I thought you were dead,” Naruto whimpers weakly, small and fragile like the baby he is. It’s almost funny, all this. Ironic, too. Watching this thing, and not only this thing but The Thing. The thing that thought Jashin-sama was the god of babies, and ramen was the food of the gods and some cure to an imaginary illness. The thing that had the nerve to bring Hidan to an uncertified therapist. That followed Hidan to the end of the world (okay, he’s really exaggerating things now), made Hidan go poor (that’s not an exaggeration. he really went poor), asked Hidan how babies were made and somehow ended up with the answer being Jashin. 

“I’m immortal. I’ll never die,” he says it so softly that he can barely hear it himself; and yet he trusts that Naruto is listening to every word he utters. 

Curious, isn’t it?

Never, not in a million years, did Hidan ever think-

“You promise?”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” 

-that he’d grow to care for such a thing. 

//

There were still so many questions unanswered. Doubts that needed to be cleared. Worries that hung over him and a newfound pressure on his shoulders. 

Naruto still didn’t understand. Didn’t know where he stood in all this or what was right and what was wrong. 

But sat here, hush like taking in a breath for the first time, looped next to Hidan, he knew that he’d never be alone again. 

And that was just that. An untouchable fact of his life that gave him the air he needed and the soothing he wanted. With this, he could do and be anything in the world. With this, he could go on dangerous adventures and survive a hero. With this, he could move mountains and split oceans. Gain a reputation, a fanclub, a ramen stall in his very own name. 

The acknowledgement he wanted so dearly.

But if he could choose for things to stay simple like this, he would. If he could choose for the lull in the mornings, and the quiet stream of constant mumbles in his ear, he would. 

(and oh, if only he could.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought this was a crack fic (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)
> 
> seriously tho like wtf author ಥ_ಥ
> 
> what is with the foreshadowing OMG aehwat the fhele;ewlsd vk this fic was supposed to be just drabbles but i cant help myself when i get ideas and inspired and shit and looook noww whats with the flufff and angst omg im jejsbdnwiaosdniwoeas[n 
> 
> also did this while i was supposed to be working on my assignment again and apparently that assignment is due today ahahehsahwfkjasik


	9. hidan's no good, very bad attempt at conning and naruto's super helpful little addition to it all that hidan never wanted nor asked for, seriously naruto what the fuck- y tho? just, why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh
> 
> hidan... hidan... poor hidan...
> 
> (naruto, have some sympathy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short, and its crack again! idk where im going with this story, also had no idea what i would be writing when i was making this chapter lol 
> 
> reintroducing hidan's stressed parenting and broken laughter + him talking to himself again

Things are better after that. 

Albeit Naruto is as crazy as usual (also, what the fuck? The kid is literally possessed and Jashin-sama made Hidan take care of it. Which- just, what???) and Hidan is just as stressed; with little grey- silver! hairs falling off his head in sorrow and sadness. 

Things are- they’re better. 

No konoha shinobi go after them and while Naruto did certainly turn red on that particular day, in really angry I-can-see-your-muscles-red, he still eats ramen everyday so at least we all know the world’s not ending. 

Which is better. Better than better, even. It’s good. Everything's good. And great. The days pass like that and nothing is missed. It turns into weeks, then months. 

Hidan doesn’t let his guard down. 

He’s not an s-rank shinobi for nothing. While his skills beside immortality are pretty average, he’s been in this shinobi badass business for more than a decade. 

And since Naruto is so goddamn annoying, he’s taught the brat some things too. 

Or: Naruto is being annoying and Hidan teaches him how to walk on water so he shuts up.

(hopefully the worm drowns while he’s at it, but Hidan doubts that it will actually happen. These sorts of dreams never happen… it’s like Naruto is some sort of protagonist saviour in a shounen manga called Naruto, for god’s sake. Kid never gets hurt, kid is always happy, kid never gives up, kid is always kind, kid never eats anything but ramen, kid is always- ah kid is possessed by some demon. That’s a pretty big one. Very noteworthy… is this the reason jashin made him kidnap the kid? For shounen manga to be turned into a real life thing? For… entertainment?) 

(...seriously?)

He shakes his head, “gah, don’t think that way Hidan! Stay positive, stay optimistic! Have faith.”

Briefly he hears Naruto going, “ah, he’s at it again.” Brat. He can already see the kid shaking his head thinking, ‘oh woe is me, with the burden of a mental ojiisan.’

Really, the one who should be thinking anything along those lines is Hidan. ‘Oh woe is me, with the burden of a stupid child.’ It’s a miracle Hidan managed to last this long. 

Where’s all his credit? He raised the kid. Let him sleep on his shoulder one time… unknowingly but it was still very nice of him. 

“Hidan, it’s 2:00AM. Get some sleep.”

He even taught the baby how to tell time. Where’s the gratitude? The yearning pregnant  
women with deadbeat husbands? Huh? He’s better than all of them. And very available too. Not that he’d go for a pregnant woman. He’s already had enough of those empty-headed brats. 

“I’m trying to sleep but you keep talking to yourself,” Naruto whined, all high-pitched and as annoying as his face. Someone tell this kid to cramp into a can of tuna so we can all live a peaceful-happily-ever-after ending.

If only it was so easy… 

(woe is hidan, with the burden of a stupid duck-faced child…) 

“Hidan!”

“Turn to the side and sleep, thanks.”

Naruto grumbled in response, but listened anyway. Tonight, they were sleeping outdoors under the stars like the homeless. Kind of a nice scene but still a reminder of their status as poor individuals that sometimes got donations from pregnant women who hallucinated and saw Naruto as some sort of holy being or saint. 

In truth, Naruto was the opposite of some angel sent from heaven but Hidan wasn’t going to tell if they were going to keep giving them money. 

Alas, alas, they were still desperate and poverty-stricken. Nothing could be done, and Hidan became a con artist, Naruto apprenticed to yours truly. 

They made a perfect conmen duo, one a man and the other a small, innocent and cute child with genuine excitement and no actual motives. 

(yes, he’s using naruto but whatever lol who feeds the kid??? no! not the ramen stall, him!)

They still slept outside though. Cuz they still have no money. 

What? Hidan can be a conman with the perfect secret weapon and still be absolute shit at it. 

It’s really not his fault though. Naruto is amazing at tricking people for their money. Even better than Hidan… just…

Well, see for yourself. 

//

“Right, lets go over this one more time. Make contact with her, either by-”

“-Innocently bumping into her or making her bump into me, complimenting her, or asking for directions.”

“Don’t forget the smile.”

“Don’t worry about it! I got this, dattebayo!” 

“Ah, okay then… After initiating contact you have to-”

“Kay, I’m going now!”

“What? Hey, wait! You need to-”

Naruto goes to the woman, chest puffed up like a peacock. Huh, the kid really thinks he did something. Or is going to do something. Sorry Naruto, but your existence is useless. Now, then, and forever. Tough luck, bud. 

“I love you,” Naruto says, his eyes wide and innocent but full of confidence. He’s saying it with the utmost genuinity, like he’s so sure of it that it’s a fact. 

(brat never said that to him… or did he? ...no...no he didn’t...)

“Kya!” 

The woman gushes, her face looking like some sloppy stupid fish. Did she think this was cute?

“I love you!”

“I love you too!”

“Thank you! I’m dying.”

“Oh my god?!?”

“I’m dying,” Naruto repeats seriously, as if he were sharing the most top-secret piece of knowledge and the random woman should be honored to know such an important but-still-a-bullshit lie. 

There’s no way she’s gonna fall for this. Damn, Hidan should’ve gone himself. Idiot. How could this child be so goddamn stupid? How? Why? 

(why tho?)

“Oh no!”

She did indeed fall for it. Ah, idiots. They’re all idiots. One idiot talking to another idiot. 

“Yes, it’s horrible. I suffer from a very rare disease. Terrific, really.”

“Oh no! What illness?”

“It’s called… Ah I don’t know the name but my Ojiisan does!”

(hidan doesn’t respond, too lost in the image of an orange worm throwing him under the bus, in which the bus crushes him completely and hidan wobbles away in sadness, sadness and sorrow like the hair that falls from atop his head.)

“Ojiisan!”

“He has irascible digestion and I have Jägoraphobia,” Hidan announces, but he feels like a slug so it comes out as if… he were a slug. Somehow, this works, and makes the lady accuminate even more pity and sympathy. It’s annoying she’s so stupid but at least it all works out for them.

“Gasp!”

Fuck, did she just say ‘Gasp!” or is he high? The answer is very important to his mental health. Is this what people say nowadays? Gasp!

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

“Yes, actually we were wondering if we could lend you our contact information and you could loan us some money… we can even set up a contract if you’d like.”

“Oh there’s no need! How much do you need?”

“All of it.”

“Huh?”

“All of it.”

“I- sorry but I don’t think I can give you…”

Naruto berades in a disapproving voice that he somehow manages to pull off fairly well, “but we’re gonna die if you don’t!”

“We don’t have much longer. If you don’t do this my mother could be attending my funeral the next day. Please. Help us. I promise, I swear, I will repay you to my very last breath. I swear this in my very honour, my son and my mother.” 

Of course, Hidan doesn’t actually give a shit about any of those three things. Not even Naruto. Nope. 

“Please, I love you,” Naruto pleads again, and, what's with the love? How is it working? What is this, Valentine's Day?

“...I guess I could give you some money,” she relents hesitantly. But she’s rich as fuck, the daughter of some well-known smuck or something along those lines so Hidan doesn’t care. Actually, Hidan doesn’t care about much these days. Nothing but money. He needs money…money...

“Thank you! Thank you onee-san!” 

She smiles at that, clearly touched and falling for Naruto’s bullshit acting. At least they have money now, he thinks as they leave with nice farewells and promises Hidan doesn’t mean to keep. 

So you must be wondering, if Naruto and him did such a good job (mostly on Hidan’s part) at conning the woman, how did they end up broke(n) again?

Well, the lady handed the money to Naruto. Naruto, who loves all things orange. Naruto, who loves ramen. 

You already know this but Hidan doesn’t get to sleep on a nice comfy bed that night. No, he ends sleeping outside, where mosquitoes are attracted to Naruto but refuse to suck his blood so go after Hidan instead. 

Fucking brat. 

//

“Brat, give me the money. Let’s find some hotel to stay at-”

“Ramen!!!”

“No-”

“Ramen!!!”

“Kid I’m serious-”

“Ramen!!”

“Hey, wait-”

“RAMEN HERE I COME DATTEBAYO!”

“Naruto, NO-”

“Naruto?”

“Naruto, hey, let's talk about this. Like adults. Come on, don’t take off without a word… Put the money down, okay? Calm down. Let’s just take things slow. Don’t-”

“Oh no…”

(hidan is left standing in the middle of the road, where countless stalls sell fish, fruits, and goods. hidan is left alone, doing an impressive impersonation of a ghost. hidan stares at nothing, shaking, a pale, hopeless man who’s just lost everything. 

all that conning, the efforts of his undefeatable mind for the money to be spent on ramen… on orange things… simply put, on everything hidan hates the most.)

ahah... ha.. haha...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh idk but im very thankful for every kudos and review so thank you for all those ppl ily it makes me very very happy that im doing things right
> 
> i have an idea again for more angst but idk when i should write it... do u guys want this to be purely crack? idk... maybe i'll write it and idk i guess if i think its ok i'll put the chapter :)
> 
> oh also! the illness i put, i forgot what they were but basically naruto's is diarrhea and hidan's is a hangover lol


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